It was dusk and the sun was yawning, a final burst of light would shine forth before the arrival of night. He waited outside her house. Her Camry was not parked in her driveway and so he reckoned that she was out somewhere. So, he parked his trusty old Mustang directly across from her house and waited. The windows were rolled down and soon, a slight breeze found the interior of his car. Feeling the gentle wind ruffling his hair, he closed his eyes and tried to mentally compose himself. He rehearsed many lines that he could use as openings in his mind and prayed that when she saw him, she would not be too cold.

Because if she was cold, he would not know what to do. But was not she the one who said they could be friends?

"What about Callie now? Randy…hmm… beat up Callie? Stood her up? Made her cry? Wore her makeup? What???"

"Callie may be pregnant and he may have dumped her. What should I do, Joe? A part of me…I just want to… to be there. And I’m not there. Not when it matters."

"Roses. Chocolates…"

"Are you even listening?"

"Yes. I’m sorry, bro... I don’t mean that. But hey, you and Callie were good friends before the both of you held hands. There’s still friendship. If the rumors are true, I’m sure she needs someone around. If they’re not, she’ll still need someone there for her because the rumors are vicious and hurtful."

Vicious, hurtful rumors. Joe made good sense. Joe could make good sense at times even when he was crazy. Frank and Callie were friends first. They could be friends now. He did not know how but he would try because he still loved her.

He loved her so very much.

If being friends was the only way he could help her, then he would swallow the jagged glass pieces which were once his heart and try his best to accept his new station. Because his love for her demanded no less. His love for her demanded that he be there for her. He could not screw up a second time- could not screw up the friendship.

God, how difficult it will be. Why did I…in the first place…why? Shouldn’t have let her go. Should have seen it coming.

He saw her car then, coming up from behind him and turning into the driveway after the gates to her lush colonial house automatically swung opened. Callie’s family was pretty well-off. Her dad had his own thriving trading company and her mother was a novelist whose works had just gained prominence. Frank had read a book of hers about depression in teenagers and immediately recognized where Callie got her candid and yet tactful style of writing from.

She had probably not noticed his car. Or if she did, she thought no more of it. And that cut into his heart because he wanted her to notice him still. Very quickly, he got out of the Mustang and slammed the door shut. Seeing no cars on the road, he dashed across and skidded into her driveway before the gates could close.

His mouth gaped open but the muscles of his jaws were clenched- stiffened by the realization that he was standing right in front her, Callie Shaw, in person- not the figment of his imagination during his mental rehearsals.

She was not shocked to see him though. If anything, she seemed very weary.

All the smart things he wanted to say then were thrown out of the window. He had no words to prompt him; no courage to help him.

"Saw your car. I thought I’d just park my mine first before going over to you." She said before smiling with tired eyes. He glanced into the Camry’s backseat and saw textbooks strewn across it.

"Back from lessons?" he gestured to the books. Her eyes followed his indication and she shrugged.

"Yes. Just back. Another horrible day. I bet you must have heard the gossip or you wouldn’t have come."

"She might reject the friendship…. And I do want …want something more. No matter what happened. I can’t go to her in good conscience, maybe there’s an…an ulterior motive lurking somewhere…I don’t know."

"Whoa…bro… babies are not that simple. I don’t know what you’re thinking about but if you can stil take her back- or intend to return to the status quo of before- with something as life-shaking as babies included… I don’t think there’s a sleazy ulterior motive…cannot be because I know you, can’t say the same for someone else. Alright, I’m rambling. Well, firstly, will you be there for her out of love?"

"You know what? You’re right. Thanks, kiddo. I’m sorry to tear you from Mina… gotta go…"

"Erm…" He stared at his feet again. Maybe it was not such a good idea. Maybe he should just send her an email or something. His heart pounded incessantly the moment he laid eyes on her. His brains turned all mushy and cottony.

He still wanted her so much. And he realized then that he wanted her even with babies included.

That was how much she meant to him. Too late he found out.

"Can we go for a drive? I know it’s pretty awkward but… I do miss talking to you. Can I just… talk to you?" Her sweet voice turned low and sad. There was no way he could refuse her. He looked up finally and indicated his car, which was parked outside.

"I’ll drive us. Where do you want to go?"

"Grab a coffee. I know that’s your favorite. And go up to Lovers’ Peak."

Lovers’ Peak? Is she…

No. Of course not. It’s only a name for a stupid hill. Callie loves the view. It’s spectacular.

"No problem." He swiped his head to one side and the two of them left her driveway and walked to his car, so much a reminiscence of the days when the two of them were still an "us."

***

At the higher altitude of Lovers’ Peak, the wind was stronger and the air was colder. Frank watched as the playful wind made tendrils of her lustrous blond hair dance, like children taking to the dance floor for the very first time. She always inspired a symphony in him- a grand opening suite akin to that of the breaking of dawn. The honey-blond hair just reminded him of melted gold; of the sun. And she was as lovely as the little, understated flowers on grassy patches next to the highways, bringing sweet joy to worn-out drivers.

And I never told her that. Stupid of me?

But to tell her would be to demean the beauty of the inspiration somewhat, take away a portion of its power. A power that breaks my heart all the time.

I have always thought she could see it in my eyes every time I looked into her soft brown ones, when I kissed her lips.

They were leaning against the sturdy railing outlining the edge of Lovers’ Peak. Stopping over on their way at Coffee Bean for two takeout aromatic stimulants, they reached Lovers’ Peak about forty minutes after they left her driveway.

Now, she was clutching the Styrofoam cup, which contained the coffee, with both her hands as if she was willing for the heat from the cup to travel up her veins and warm her soul. Her lips were pale and her brown eyes were wistful as she took in the scenery. It was breathtaking. It was heartbreaking.

He always thought the scenery was gorgeous because every time he admired it, he was with her. She made something perfect even more rending. But now, the dark clouds covered his sun which was her, and latent anger simmered in him as he thought of the piece of crap.

And the bitches who had spread the rumors.

"Is it true?" he asked softly, gazing across the acres of land underneath them, taking in the sights of Bayport blanketed by dusk light- fearfully anticipating her answer.

"Yes." She muttered and sipped her coffee to warm herself up. Her cardigan was obviously not adequate enough to keep her from shivering so he took off his own denim jacket and swung it over her slim shoulders. It did not matter if the cold wind would chill him. She was cold. She should be as warm and as safe as a baby wrapped in a soft, woolly blanket.

Warm and safe in my arms.

She turned her head and smiled at him forlornly with some appreciation.

Again he was at a loss for words. Aunt Agony columns were full of letters on the subject of unexpected pregnancy- the common consequence of pre-marital sex.

But Frank was no Aunt Agony. Frank was her friend who had no degree in psychology or social work. Frank was just Frank. Dumb Frank.

"How’s school?"

"Sucks."

"I’m amazed by you…"

Grr…wrong sentence. What should I say? What can I say?

Callie curled her lips in bitterness. "If I don’t go, then the sorority bitches will have won. I can’t let their gossips affect me. I’ve got a test."

"What has he got to say about it?" Frank asked and cringed when he saw a tear slowly lining her left cheek.

"He said it’s not his. But it is. I don’t know why I’m so stupid. I mean, I don’t know why I slept with him. I was so afraid I was going to lose again and he just kept pressuring me and I… I wanted it to work out. I lost you to your brother and I can’t lose him. Such a failure in love, huh? Me. I had expounded about the dangers of pre-marital sex and advocated abstinence before marriage to all the girls in my church all the time and when I should have said no, I said yes. I’m sorry."

You never lost me to Joe. Just…there’s only one of me and there’s only so much I can do at one time.

And I’ve always loved you…and still love you.

"There isn’t a need to apologize to me…" Frank was baffled by her last two words. "I mean…"

"Oh yes. Don’t you feel the injustice? I’ve been with you for four years and nothing happened between us. I’ve been with him for only a few months and now, I’m having his baby." Callie explained dryly as sarcasm dripped off the tip of her tongue. She sipped her coffee again and so did he, still rummaging through his brain cells, squeezing each and every single one for something right to say. He could not deny that Callie’s words stung him. Surely she knew him well enough to know that he would never judge her that way.

First Joe, then you, Callie. The both of you think so little of me. I never knew…

Of course. It’s your fear talking. Just like my fear is eating up my words and dissolving my composure.

"You know me, Callie. You know I’ll never feel… feel the way you just described." Maladroit sentences started to form again- clumsily uttered, they were unable to convey what his heart wanted to say.

Callie remained silent; her brown orbs shimmered, brimming with melted sadness. Frank gulped down more coffee, gulped down the heat to ease his queasy stomach. Feeling better, he breathed in deeply and willed himself to extract away the sting embedded in him by her previous comments.

"Don’t heap the blame all on yourself, Cal. I know about the psyche of men all too well. Hey, I’m one of them. Sometimes, we will do and say anything just to get what we want. It’s sad. And I’m sorry that… that it happened to you. It would never… I mean…" Another mental block. Erroneous words rolled off his tongue too easily and quickly.

He raked his hair and let out a sigh. Callie’s lips twisted sideways and a mocking grunt was heard.

"The one about ‘women will give sex to get love and men will give empty promises just to get sex’?" Callie jibed derisively at herself.

"I’m a moron." She shook her head and exhaled heavily.

"No. We all make mistakes sometimes. Its how we deal with it that matters." Frank put an arm around her and she shuddered.

The sting fell onto the ground and was crushed under his feet into microscopic granulates, easily blown away by the wind.

"Shh… don’t cry. You’ll always have me around… you know that don’t you? I promise to be here..." He spoke soothingly in soft tones as he tried to comfort her. But she was inconsolable. What could mere words do for someone whose mistake could have altered her future altogether? The choices opened up for her then were mostly not rosy at all.

Frank understood.

She shivered again and burst into tears- crying because she was so afraid. They all were. Just afraid of what tomorrow might bring but some still faced it bravely. Gently spinning her around by the shoulders to face him, he drew her into a comforting embrace. He just wanted to let her know that he would always be there, even if he was to be relegated to something less in her eyes.

Feeling her softness against his hard torso, taking in the familiar floral scent- his heart ached and cracked again. This was what he meant by his heart would break all over again when he get close to her. But this heartbreak paled in comparison to the comfort that she so badly needed. She quivered in his embrace and her tears soaked through the thin material of his t-shirt.

All that he ever wanted was in his arms. If she would take him back, he would run over in an instant.

She looked up into his eyes and he smiled as warmly and as assuring as he could. Her lips were trembling and he almost bent down to kiss them. Remembering his new position and remembering that he should not exploit another’s pain, he stopped himself.

Besides, her lips trembled not from passion but because she had something to say. Something too difficult to articulate for the speaker; even more so to hear for the listener.

"Will it make a difference if one less life is born into this world?" She gazed into his eyes, hoping he had the answer. He could feel color draining away from his cheeks as he froze from shock.

Abortion. She could not be thinking of abortion.

But she was. Her desperate look said it all.

And he had no answer in his shock but at the back of his mind, he thought he heard a baby cry.

***

"Thanks." She muttered when they were back in her driveway in his car. He was still affected by her comment. A life was a life in any form. One mistake should not lead to another, right?

Reaching out, he grabbed her hand, which was about to pull the handle of the car door out, to stop her from leaving. He had the answer. He needed her to hear his answer. "Callie…"

Leaning back against his car seat again, she smiled weakly at him. "Yes?"

"It will make a difference. It’ll always make a difference. The world will be so different without the baby. Everything will change. Don’t…"

How do I put it such that I don’t hurt her?

He squeezed his eyes tightly shut as if he was ransacking his mind for a thesaurus and a dictionary to help him. The words were drawn from his heart and soul and he prayed she would not take it the wrong way. Revealing his eyes, he gazed intently into hers- not with reproach but with love.

"We all make mistakes. But don’t let an innocent life pay for it… please. And don’t do it to yourself too. There’s post-traumatic stress, depression, guilt… Callie, you don’t want to go through them. I know you’re desperate and you feel like your future is bleak but it is not. Really, it is not. We can’t hide from the consequences of our actions by running away. We can’t. It’s not the way… there are better choices that you’ll feel happier about if you take them. Please Callie, it’s innocent."

She smiled sadly at him.

"Thanks. I don’t know, Frank. It’s… you’re right. I know it’s a life and it’s not mine but… I’ve got to go now. Thanks again. You’re so great." She leaned over and kissed his cheek; bled his heart.

"Callie, think over what I’ve said. I am here if you need help. I’ll help you through this. You’re not alone. You have me." Frank avowed earnestly. He could almost see the ring on her finger- he wanted to put it on for her.

Take me back. I’ll make a good father.

Callie’s eyelids fluttered. Turning away to hide the tearing orbs, she extricated her hand out of his grasp.

"Bye, Frank." Her voice was almost a whisper, heart-wrenching in its impassiveness. Without waiting for his farewell, she threw open the car door and left him.

She had not given him any promise and his heart sank because he was worried for the baby; he was worried for her. Earnestly, he prayed. Prayed that his words could sway her somehow.

He watched her enter her house before he reversed out and drove away. He was frightened because of that one little secret Laura had revealed to him before. Something about abortion. Something that caused him to be almost non-existent.

"When you came, Frank, your dad and me- we were only twenty-two. We were planning to get married already but we could not control ourselves till after. Then you arrived and we were so unsure. All our plans were thrown off track. And… I almost… I guess that’s why I can’t look at you without thinking that you are such a beautiful gift that I almost rejected. Which is why you must never tell Joe or Maggie that I will always treasure you a little more."

"Mommy, were you planning to give me away?"

"Darling… don’t ask anymore. I’m just so happy you’re here. So happy."

Don’t, Callie. The world will be different. Of course it will be. Once it lacks even just one life it is supposed to receive, it has already changed; has gone completely off tangent.

Different. Vastly different.

***

"Frank…here, try this. Emily gave me the recipe." Laura shoved a tray of chocolate chip cookies under his nose. It smelled delicious. He loved chocolate chip cookies but he had no appetite.

"Sorry, Mom. I’ll be in my room if you need me." He replied flatly, avoiding her quizzical look. He smiled politely at Emily who was sitting on the couch with Fenton. They appeared to be discussing something - most probably concerning Joe. Frank noticed his father’s haggardness and Emily’s pensive expression but he had no interest in discovering the contents of their conversation.

The moment he was back in his room, he switched on his computer and tried to add some body to his skeletal thesis, but his mind was swarmed with a thousand and one thoughts- prohibiting him from concentrating on his work. Joe’s terrible secret and his suicide attempt; Maggie’s plans to leave again; Callie’s pregnancy.

And his broken heart.

How old was he? He was only twenty-one. He felt like he was already a hundred-years old.

"Darling, can I come in?" His mother had not taken the liberty to knock. She had pushed his door open so softly that he was startled to find her standing in the small gap that she had revealed.

"Oh…sure Mom… I’m not doing anything." He was not annoyed by the intrusion. If anything, he was strangely glad. Laura sat down on his bed and patted the space next to her.

"Sit here. I want to talk to you."

"What about?" Frank asked as he took his place and smiled at his mother- a smile that would chase away the impending tears for a while.

"Is something wrong? You weren’t exactly happy to see us back."

No? But I am. I’m happy. I just can’t show it now.

"Nothing…" He lied reluctantly. He was a big boy now. His mom…

His mom would always be his mom. He suddenly felt so small. Sometimes his siblings looked up to him as their surrogate father, not their eldest brother. But he was not really that wise after all.

"Don’t lie to me young man. Please, don’t do a Joe. Tell me…" Laura placed a hand on his shoulder and bent down slightly to peer into his face that was cast downwards.

He heaved and the weight on his heart settled down with a vengeance. He did not know why. He just wanted his mother. Just wanted his mother to hold him and tell him everything would be all right. That it was no big deal. Hey, he was not the one whose girlfriend died. He was not the one who went to jail. He was not the youngest child who felt neglected and decided since nobody cared, she would just fly away.

And he was definitely not pregnant.

Yet, the burdens he had to carry were too much, so much that he just did not know what to do; did not know how to help them all.

But he was too proud. Unlike Joe, who refused affection because he was too scared, Frank was too proud. He was the oldest child, wasn’t he? Maybe never passable enough to be a surrogate father in Fenton’s absence but he was still the eldest. He was the one his parents should never have to worry about, the one who had it all together.

He was too proud to cry. But not too proud to hold on to his mother.

Frank embraced his mother suddenly, taking her by surprise for a split second. Resting his head on her shoulder, he breathed in heavily, letting her familiar powdery scent engulf him like it had when he was much younger. All at once, he was brought back to a safe, loving place. He felt his mother smoothing his soft brown hair and kissing the top of his head.

The mother he had almost never known.

Because he was almost never born.

"Mom…" He whispered into her shoulder. His head felt so heavy. His mother’s shoulder- that was so frail-felt so strong.

Strong enough to carry his burdens, though she would not know what they were.

"Shh…it’s all right. No matter what… it’s all right…. I’m here… what’s troubling you, sweetheart?"

Frank pulled away and looked into her eyes. "Thanks for being so brave. Thanks for giving me life."

Guilt fleeted across Laura’s mien but she smiled anyhow and ruffled his hair- her own eyes brimming with silent tears. "I was not brave. I was just lucky to have made the right decision. You should hate me, not thank me."

"No. You’re brave. You’re the best mom in the world. I love you so much…I can never hate you." He christened every word with his own love and gratitude. She endured through all the labor pains and emotional worries to bring him into this world and brought him up with so much love. There should not be any guilt. She had done so much for him; more than he deserved.

There was not enough "thank you" in the world that could expressed his appreciation. And he knew all that she ever expected was for him to do the best he could.

His mother brought a hand up to his face and caressed his cheeks. He had not realized until then how much rougher those hands were.

And how much softer too.

Then he saw too clear her dark eye circles and the wrinkles on her forehead. Her dancing blue eyes welled with so much love for her three children and flooded with too much worry.

At that moment, he saw himself in her sapphire pupils- a little boy, cherished; loved.

Protected.

"Silly boy. I love you so much, too."

The dam crumbled down. To hell with stiff pride. He wept in front of his mother; covering his face because he was embarrassed. But emotions were so strong then, overwhelming all his attempts to remain collected.

He wept for the past.

He wept for those he loved.

He wept for everything they had gained and everything that they had lost.

And he wept for the little boy that he had left behind.

The little boy whose only worry then was if he would grow up to be a rocket scientist.