The concert hall was packed but so quiet. A few pieces had already been performed but he was dulled to their beauty. Frank had fetched him and Mina to UB’s auditorium. Callie, on seeing Mina and Joe, moved from the front to the back to sit with Mina while Joe sat in the front with Frank. Frank was shocked when he spotted Mina with Joe in the piano room with red eyes reminding Joe of her earlier tears. Thankfully, Frank simply bit his tongue upon the discovery.

Fenton and Laura were already there at their front section seats and Joe thought he spotted Shane, Craig and Wayne somewhere in the stall seats above with Mina who had separated ways with them upon arriving. Imposing Roman columns blocked his view of her and thus he reverted his attention to the stage in front of him. Laura leaned towards him and asked, very softly, if he were cold, to which he shook his head.

The announcer introduced the next symphonic piece, Canon in D Major and the quietness fell into a deeper silence. Next, he rattled on a little about Maggie’s talents and accomplishments and the crowd clapped politely when she came on stage, a little apprehensive at her prowess, which they had yet to encounter. She seemed a little nervous- her scanning eyes rummaged through the audience for them. Joe sank into his seat when the pair of brown eyes found them while Laura and Frank waved in encouragement. Fenton sat up straighter, proud of his little daughter.

Her accompanist on the piano started first with the slow, stately chords. Maggie started out somewhat lackluster but slowly, as she became one with her violin, she wove a spell on all of them and the auditorium was completely stilled, not even the faintest breathing could be heard.

As the piece picked up momentum, it arrested Joe along with it. Memories of their childhood flooded his thoughts and he was moved to tears because he knew at least, out of the three of them, one was about to attain the star she had always been reaching out for. Frank too would be successful- there was no way he would not be.

And Joe decided he would just fade into the background and accolade their achievements- the realization of their dreams. To Joe, his dreams would only be dreams because they only happened when one was sleeping. He had a wonderful dream then. He would sleep forever because reality was in his somnolent state. Frank and Maggie’s reality would be beautiful. They would have no need of him.

The piece finished and there was a stunned second before applause rippled the air enthusiastically. A standing ovation was what she deserved and what she had gotten as she curtsied to show her appreciation on the stage. The conductor of the orchestra was about to make his way across the stage to present Maggie with a bouquet of flowers when someone else raced ahead of him, jostling his way through the ocean of people.

Craig presented a single rose to Maggie and held her in a passionate embrace before locking her lips with a fervent kiss. Joe saw Fenton’s jaw dropped and heard Frank laughing softly. Maggie, unembarrassed by Craig’s display of affection, was in fact, reveling in it. The crowd clapped louder and this time, whooping sounds from the students who generally bought the cheaper tickets to the upstairs seats joined the cheering.

The applause never seemed to want to stop. Craig finally tore himself away from Maggie and allowed the conductor to present the official bouquet of flowers. Maggie held hands with the conductor and her accompanist and they bowed many times before Maggie spun around, grabbed Craig’s hand and disappeared with him backstage.

Reality slipped away from him. He was standing in the crowd all alone. Maggie had gone with Craig. Frank had his arm around Callie’s waist. Laura pecked the dumbfounded Fenton on the cheeks and he broke from his trance. Joe knew Laura would blunt the edge of Fenton’s disapproval of Maggie and Craig’s brazen display of reconciliation on stage and if Maggie was lucky, she would not be grounded.

The couple’s little act of love had inspired the audience around him to bask in the mood of romance, as lovers kissed while they clapped, even after the curtains were drawn for the setting up of the next piece which would be the last item.

Love was all around him, but not for him. He hugged himself, longing for a pair of soft hands to caress his face and tell him it was all going to be all right. When he could not bear it anymore, he excused himself and waited on the steps of the auditorium’s portico until the concert finished.

He thought she would come but she did not. Frank had left the auditorium before anyone else and Joe saw the worry in his brother’s eyes. Smiling to give some assurance, he stood up and walked with his brother to the Mustang.

***

Midnight. The full moon was high up in the sky and the stars twinkled beauty onto the ghostly landscape. Tiny crickets, hidden from sight, almost deafened his ears as their song reverberated off the walls of Earth in harmonious cacophony. The woods that bordered in a chaotic mess to the west of Sanctuary cast seductive shadows onto the field, and swaying branches of the frontline trees beckoned like waving outstretched hands.

He had swiped a hairpin, which someone had carelessly dropped on the floor, on his way out of one of the counseling session with Emily. There was no need to pick the lock of his own room door but he needed to unlock the backdoor of the hallway, which would reveal the flight of stairs leading to the back exit and freedom. Because he was taking a route less traveled, he avoided being noticed by the nurses and was out of Sanctuary in no time, running barefoot across the soft mushy ground, feeling the soggy grass underneath his feet, wet from a slight autumn drizzle earlier on.

He ran, a lone figure in the dark, casting shadows blacker than the night against the moonbeam as it danced off his body. He ran into the woods and did not stop running until he was in a clearing, surrounded by a circle of trees that stretched themselves out to block out the moonlight. The smell of pine and sandalwood mingled with the coldness of the night breeze and he stopped for a moment, catching his breath.

She was last seen in woods, just like this one. But it was not the same, though it might just do. He looked up at the sky, his sight partly shrouded by the rustling branches of the tall trees. He could recognize some from their silhouettes- pine, maple, cedar, fir and the weeping willows, which cried along with his heart. The full moon was tickled by a swaying branch, and the stars tried desperately to cramp their shine into the small clearing below.

They whispered, in their ancient, soft crackling tongues, messages he could never understand but he thought maybe they could hear him out. People judged. Trees were just soulless. They would stand and salute him even if he unloaded his vilest thoughts onto their wooden trunks.

"I really saw her." He stood in the middle of the clearing and looked up at the sky, an actor in his soliloquy. "I can’t help what I see. I can’t help what I’ve heard… is she dead? If she’s dead, then am I mad?"

The breeze blew and branches nodded as he sank to his knees, landing on the sodden fallen leaves of autumn and cradled his head in his hands. The slight gust carried her voice to his ears and with her voice, a song.

*"If a picture paints a thousand words,
then why I can't paint you?

The words will never show

the you I've come to know..."

They were at the beach and she had disappeared for a moment, lying to him obviously about needing to go to the ladies room. Just when he was tired of staring at the gathering and dissipating foams of the waves while waiting at the breakwaters, and was about to just go find her, a little worried too for her safety since it was late at night, he heard her sexy, husky voice serenading him from behind. He stood up on the granite block and turned around. There she was with a muffin. A lighted candle was impaled into the muffin to remind him of their sixth-month anniversary.

Joe removed his hands from his face and his tears glistened under the ray of pale moonlight that managed to filter into the enclosed space. She glided to him from out of the huddling trees like a forest nymph, her ash-blond hair flying in the wind and all across her lovely face, transparent like a bride’s veil. Clothed in material made from silver comets, her eyes shone like puddles reflecting the stars.

You’re not a dream.

She reached for him and he took her hands. She did not mind- she would never mind. He held her and they swirled in perfect, waltzing circles- an echo of the many nights they danced together under the stars. Sometimes, she would disappear only to show up somewhere else. But always, he would find her, and feel love and peace clad him again as she held him close.

"There you are!" He laughed merrily at the latest chase she had him on. She smiled at him, standing still and solitary, waiting for him to come to her again.

 

"You tell… tell her that she’ll always have a special place in your heart…That you miss her…"

 

"If a picture paints a thousand words, then why I can't paint you? The words will never show… the you I've some to know..." He crooned hoarsely as he approached, about to choke on tears of purest joy. She did not move, just watched him with luminous grey eyes.

He looped his hands around her slim waist and enfolded her. She stood rooted where she was but it was all right. Her sandalwood perfume wafted into his consciousness and he was never surer about the veracity of their encounters. Her colorless lips disturbed him for they were always enticingly soft and moist with lip gloss and the pink of health. However, he laid his doubts to rest, enjoying her company, drinking bliss into his soul- bliss from the clearest mountain stream.

"If a face could launch a thousand ships, then where am I to go? There's no one home but you… and now you’ve left me too. And when my love for life is running dry, you come and pour yourself on me…" He closed his eyes and danced in place, just swaying his body sideways.

"If a man could be two places at one time, I'd be with you. Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way…"

There was something strange about the way she was keeping so still. Vanessa could never keep still- she was just as restless as he was and could hardly resist a dance, especially a slow, innocent dance witnessed by the heavens which she once proclaimed as the most romantic and sacred act a couple could do.

He extricated himself, wanting to ask her what was wrong.

If the world should stop revolving

Spinning slowly down to die.

Senses of the physical realm took over the senses of his sub-consciousness, sending mixed signals to confuse his mind. But the feeble moon illuminated enough to show him just what he was holding and the zephyr brought news to him just what he was smelling.

I'd spend the end with you

And when the world was through...

The night grew darker. In fact, the moonlight was no longer welcomed when reality hit him like a ton of bricks falling onto his skull housing his teetering sanity. However, he did not scream, nor wailed. He took it all pretty easily, surprisingly.

"Then you say goodbye for now, Joe. Then you say goodbye."

Midnight. Twilight shifted shadows and reason into a blend of dark fantasy played out for the merriment of the stars that do not care for tears. During the transition from yesterday to today, he had fallen into a realm meant for those yearning for the past. As time dragged him forward, his feet left skid marks on the ground. His heels cracked and bled from the frictional contact with the rough soil.

He was hugging a young, unidentified tree, made to look the same as others under the deceiving spell of night.

Midnight. She was really gone.

Caressing the smooth bark of the tree trunk lovingly, he closed his eyes and imagined it was her unblemished cheek his own was rubbing against. He leaned forward and flittingly kissed where her lips should be before he opened his eyes and let reality sink in.

"Then one by one, the stars would all go out.

Then you and I, would simply fly away."

--The End of Rebirth—

 

"If" by Bread in the album, Anthology, 1985