Miss you. I miss you so much. I thought I could let you go but I can’t. I can’t because I need you, as much as I want you. Can you just come back? Don’t play tricks with me, I’m sorry for all the pranks I pulled… forgive me… don’t be angry anymore. Please, come back. Let me see you again. Hold you and let you know I love you so much.

He knelt down on the patch of grass, right in front of her grave. It would soon be a full year since she disappeared from his life. One year. Somehow, there was something about the end of a year, the end of a full circle. He was almost certain that she would appear when the year was up.

She would come back before winter set in to freeze his soul.

"Joe..."

"I know you’re here…" He wanted to turn around to face the source of the voice but it stopped him.

"Joe, you can’t see me yet. Don’t turn, just… just be where you are. I’m right beside you. Can you feel me?"

He closed his eyes, not daring to budge even a little. The voice was so soft- the sounds of his movements might drown it and she would fly away again.

"Yes… I can…"

"Why Joe? Why did you yell at me back at the tree house?"

"No, Ness… I’m sorry… I was just angry… I…" He reached out to trace the carving of her name on the grave. "I didn’t mean to. I should have stayed with you, shouldn’t have left you alone."

"Goodbye, Joe. I’ll come back again… love you… always have…" She whispered in his ear but somehow, her professing only made his heart sink. They were not those words of love that could calm and heal. They twisted his guts and brought him guilt. They made him feel unworthy.

"Why are you being this way?" A childish voice called out to him. He opened his eyes and turned to his side this time to see a familiar little blond boy sitting cross-legged on the grass. His head was screaming now, screaming with pounding waves of pain.

"What way?" He narrowed his eyes as he rubbed at his temples again, feeling extremely exhausted. He must have somehow taken a trip down to Wonderland and was going to meet all sorts of weird people that sprung right out of a carnival.

"You know, like this. Can’t pull yourself up. You didn’t used to be like that. You used to be a fighter. Now, you just keep saying sorry and running away. But apologies are useless if you can’t face up to reality… right? You did defend Alan the best you can. Why so much guilt still? And Ness, how do you think she’ll feel if she sees you like this?" The boy cocked his head to one side and Joe felt like slapping him all of a sudden. The boy made too much noise and hurt his head.

"I didn’t use to be a lot of things, ok? Leave me alone!" Joe chased the boy away harshly, willing him to just go.

"Nay, I can’t. I hate to stay with a bumbling idiot but I’m here. I can’t go. I’m here and you’re killing me."

"Huh? Come again?" Joe was baffled now. The boy shook his head and Joe closed his eyes, unable to believe that he was even having such a bizarre conversation with a little boy.

A blond-headed little boy with startling blue eyes. Blue like sapphires.

His eyes shot opened then and there were no one in front of him. Nobody at all. No little boy; no Vanessa. No Vanessa. The little boy’s presence must have chased her away! He cursed under his breath, struggled up and spun around only to find Brian Hooper looking at him with eyes flashing concern.

"Joe, who are you talking to?" Brian grabbed his hand to stop him from just stalking off. Joe did not feel Brian had any right to be there, to be paying his respects.

You’re hiding her.

"Like you care…" He fumed, trying to shake off the contaminating touch. Both of them infecting each other with something horribly insidious inside. They were walking viruses spreading guilt, feeding on each other’s till there was nothing left to consume but themselves.

My guilt and yours, different. You’re hiding her. You’re running away from the consequences. You came here pretending she’s dead, paying your damn respects when she’s somewhere, needing to be saved. I’ll find her. I’ll find her.

"Joe… I do. No matter what, I still see you as my very good friend. I keep sending emails to you but never get a reply. I came back, not only for her anniversary but to see that you’re… you’re ok…"

Hah! I didn’t even read them. I trashed them the moment I saw them. Sometimes, I printed them out just to rip them up the way you ripped my trust!

"Thank you. Now you have seen what a success case I am, you can leave." Joe snarled at the bigger guy. If Brian was not going to let go, Joe would just drag him along and then, when opportunity struck, turn around and punch the hateful face.

"All I saw was you talking to the air…"

"Talking to the air? Talking to the air? I’m talking to a monster! An evil demon! YOU!!!" Joe shook his hand away with raw, brute force as he shouted his accusations into Brian’s face. His gloved hands bunched out into fists and one landed into Brian’s guts.

Brian doubled over, breathing painfully through his gaping mouth. However, he made no move and Joe was not going to let Brian take that punch as a payment for the loss of Vanessa.

He grabbed Brian by the shoulders and jerked the muscular jock roughly once.

"YOU! YOU TOOK HER AWAY! NOW YOU RETURN HER TO ME!"

Brian, with one hand compressing his injured stomach, implored Joe with brows furrowing in pain. "Joe, I would if I could. But I can’t. I can’t! I can’t turn back time and I still love her too."

Joe pushed his nemesis hard and watched as Brian staggered back a couple of tottering steps before he fell onto the ground, landing on his behind. With his face a picture of miserable shame, he remained stationary, gazing at Vanessa’s grave.

"I know you hate me. And I hate myself too. If I had control myself, if I hadn’t betrayed your trust, maybe… maybe all these would… not have happened. But I tried to move on… you know… just… try…"

"Oh, how convenient. I know what you’re trying to do dear best friend. You’re trying to wear me down! You’re trying to make me go insane and then you’ll bring her to see me in hope that she’ll be so disgusted by me that she’ll turn to you! It’s not going to happen…" Joe wagged an index-finger in front of Brian’s dumbfounded face, feeling like he had exacted the reaction that he wanted. Brian- surprised and stunned by his revelation; by his knowledge. And now, he could do nothing but relinquish Vanessa to him.

Your admission is on your face! I got you!

"You see, I know she’s alive. She’s not dead. You can hide her from me for now, but not forever… she’s not dead!" Joe hissed sharply. Bluish flames danced in his eyes- igniting mixed emotions of pure anger and rapture. He had Vanessa’s kidnapper finally and he could just smell her sandalwood hair again.

So close… so close.

"Joe… what are you talking about? She’s dead, buried right under where you’re standing…" Brian struggled up. He stretched out a hand to Joe who teetered backwards, frustrated by such foolish denials.

"Come, I’ll take you home. You’re not well…"

"SHUT UP! STOP TELLING ME LIES! I KNOW WHAT I SAW! YOU CAN’T SEE HER COZ SHE HATES YOU!"

"Joe, if I can’t see her, then how can she be with me? I mean, I can’t capture what I can’t see! And if she’s with me, what’s she doing… out here…" Brian gestured around; his logical reasoning was swarming Joe’s head with exceptional ire.

"Waiting for me to find her!"

"If she had found you, why does she need you to find her? Joe, listen… you’re not making sense! See… that’s her grave… she’s gone. You held her in your arms when she died. You weren’t there for her funeral, you could not be there but we were. The mortician fixed her up so we could see her one last time… we all saw her in that coffin- your brother, Callie, Chet, Tony, Phil and everyone who attended. There were so many people… she’s so loved…" Brian stood where he was, still with an outstretched hand and all Joe wanted to do then was hack that damn hypocritical appendage off.

Stop talking! Stop, stop stopstopstopstopstopstop…

Knees buckling from the weight of the emotional strain, Joe managed to still falteringly turn around and face her grave as his mind tottered to the edge. Wobbling a few steps forward, he swayed, unable to support himself as he saw shifting shades of his past shadowing the acute angles of the present.

Shifting shades of his past with shifting sands of time.

I had held her. She was not breathing. Her brains were leaking from behind, onto my shirt. And blood, so much blood… staining me, marking me…

Drowning me in the tides of crimson…drowning…

I can’t breathe… can’t…

He tried to take in air but could not even manage a lungful. Suffocating memories wrapped round his neck in a chokehold. Black patches interrupted his vision.

Star Quarterback. Vanessa in my arms. Lazy afternoons in Mr. Pizza and running alongside my beloved brother chasing after crooks.

Vanessa in my arms. Alive. Vanessa’s in my arms. Dead.

The coin spun as it traveled up the air. Harsh sunlight reflected off the interchanging sides and blinded all eyes.

Alive, dead, alive, dead, alive, dead.

Heads or tails, Joe could not see. It kept going up and up and up. He clutched at his chest, vaguely aware of Brian next to him, asking if he was all right.

He turned around and stared up at the sky- the coin had disappeared.

Star quarterback. Boston Scholarship. Frank beside me, laughing, joking… Ness, Ness, Ness, Ness…

Kissing her, smelling her hair.

Holding her.

And then it came plummeting down on him- as small as a dime, as dense as a neutron star.

Poor, painful head…