"Why are you back?"

"Am I not welcome in my hometown, Frank?"

"Of course you are… just…"

"I want to be back in time for her anniversary as well…Joe’s not the only who’s berating himself all this time, buddy."

Frank arrived home late at night after the chance meeting. The migraine in his temples was pounding pitilessly and as he thought about his findings earlier in the afternoon and the reunion of sorts with old friends, the hammering of his skull just intensified with glee.

"Ahm… well, it’s great… you’ll be just in time for my birthday party. I thought we could all use some good cheer…"

"How’s Joe, Frank?"

"I feel neglected…"

"Not good. I’m sorry. I can’t say I don’t blame you at all."

"Maybe the party’s not a great idea, huh?"

"That’s what I like about you, Frank. Straightforward to the last letter."

"So, how’s Arizona? Just like you to run away from the mess you’ve helped created."

"Hmm… should we hire a DJ?"

"I do love her too."

"Right."

"Oh, forget it. Both of you aren’t even listening to me."

"Frank, please, talk to your sister will you? Your mom and Emily went downtown for a while and Maggie ran home and… are teenage girls always full of angst!" Fenton Hardy growled, overcome with exasperation. Faced with the commotion, Frank suddenly felt that going home right after dinner was not such a great idea after all. Once again, he would be embroiled in some domestic dispute and made to be the arbitrator.

"NO! I’M NOT! YOU JUST DON’T CARE ABOUT ME! SEE! YOU’RE DUMPING ME ON FRANK AGAIN!!!" Maggie screamed as she emerged from the kitchen with a dripping wet face.

"What do you want from me, darling? I asked you what’s wrong and you told me I should know but how would I know if you don’t tell me?" Fenton tried to reason with his agitated daughter. Mascara was streaming down her cheeks just as patience was being torn layer after layer from Frank.

"You’re the detective. You should know! I broke up with Craig and you don’t know. You didn’t even know I had a boyfriend in the first place. And my concert! I came home and asked you about next Saturday and you said you won’t be in Bayport. So you won’t be watching my concert!"

"Is that it? The concert? I’m sorry, honey… I forgot…"

"YOU FORGOT PLENTY! YOU’VE FORGOTTEN YOU’VE GOT A BEAUITFUL DAUGHTER CALLED MAGGIE!"

She raced up to her room with Fenton shrugging helplessly as he pleaded with Frank silently. "I’ve got tons of paperwork, son. And she’s not going to listen to me…"

"I know what to do, dad. I’m used to it…" Frank dismissed his father’s apology. It was not that he blamed his dad or anything. He knew Fenton loved Maggie dearly but he only knew how to show his love through gifts and kisses. The person Maggie really needed then was Laura and Laura was pre-occupied with her second son.

Not wanting to see or hear his father’s reaction, Frank climbed up the stairs two steps at a time as fast as he could.

"Can I come in?" He knocked on her door and heard sniffling behind the wooden barrier. After a second or so, a click was heard and the door opened to reveal the pinkish room within.

Somehow, Frank always felt like Maggie had not grown out of her Barbie dolls’ phase and he hoped she never would. Sure, she would grow, everyone would.

Nonetheless, he never wanted to see her jaded, like how he was jaded. And he did not want to see her disenchanted, like how Joe was with his life.

He wanted her to still retain that spark and hoped, in a way, she would pass the spark on to them.

"Come in. But if you tell dad what I’m going to tell you, I won’t talk to you again." Maggie warned him and blew her nose nosily into a tissue. Frank ruffled her hair and stepped into her room- feeling the soft, plushy white carpet under his bare feet. The furry cushioning soothed his tired soles and his heart.

Her room had the scent of candy and perfume; the scent of a girl in transition to a woman.

He loved the neatness of it, so unlike her. But he had seen her dorm room. It was much more lived in definitely.

"So, what brought you home tonight?" He dethroned a teddy bear from the armchair in her room and sat down, dropping poor, displaced teddy on the floor. Maggie scowled at him and picked up the teddy bear, hugging it close to her as she proceeded to lounge on her bed.

"I actually wanted to find Joe and give him a piece of my mind. He made Mina cry… and believe me. I know Mina, even though it’s only for a short period of time. It takes a huge catastrophe to make Mina cry." Maggie explained, now rubbing noses with the teddy bear.

"Isn’t he in his dorm?" Frank studied the collection of books on her shelves. His sister was no bimbo, though her naivety could involuntarily slander her as one. Her interest was apparent and if one wanted to engage in an argument or discussion about music, she would blow them away.

If her playing had not done so already.

"Nope. Shane told me he had a major quarrel with Joe over the state of their dorm and Joe stormed away, but not before the two of them degenerated into trading vulgarities. I have no idea where he went so I came home to try my luck. But somehow, daddy let slip that he’ll be working next Saturday which means there’s no way he’s going to make it for my concert and my motives for returning home on a school day got all distorted."

Frank let out a soft laugh. Maggie would flare up all the time but she was forgiving as well. The lack of hostility in her voice when she talked about Fenton told Frank that his dad could hug his baby again and she would not rail at him.

But she would be disappointed. Frank wondered if his parents knew about Maggie’s intentions to transfer to Berklee next semester.

"Joe went on a date with Mina and he split when she went to the ladies. He called her Nessa once and practically remained like a block of wood the entire time. When she called him to ask him where he was, he did not pick it up. I mean, I know the turmoil but Mina’s a human being! A girl for god sakes, deeply in love with him. And he broke her heart."

Ah. A date… obviously that did not turn out well…

"And his dorm?"

"See, every time we talk, it’s about him. Hardly about you or me. Anyway, someone smeared their door with red paint which got onto the walls. You should have seen it. Very creative of them… Joe’s name all big and bright with the word ‘Murderer’ underneath. Their hostel master wanted them to pay for the damages about eight hundred bucks. Last I’ve heard, Joe’s bank account’s wiped out and Shane’s in debt as well. They’ll be kicked out soon."

"Now about you."

"What about me?" Maggie kissed the top of the teddy bear’s forehead.

"Have you told Craig?" Frank leaned forward, his dark brown eyes

"Yes. We broke up. I don’t care now." Maggie replied. "I mean…"

"What happened to you?"

"Jush sheshup… whyesh everyone’sh on my casesh…"

Frank closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. Maggie plucked out some hair from the fluff on top of the teddy bear’s head.

"Go tend to him. He’s dead drunk." Maggie curled her lips in disgust. "He just doesn’t seem to care that we are all caring for him."

"I’m your father, damn it! Now, you give me that bottle."

"Gesh lossh! LOSsh!!! Donsh toush me! DONSH!"

"Maggie…" Frank began apologetically, not knowing how else he could phrase his intentions without giving her the false impression that she was being neglected.

Maggie sighed in seeming defeat. "I’ll go with you…."

"DONSH TOUSH ME!!! DONSH!!!! JUSH LEAVE ME ASLONE…PEESH… DONSH…"

"It’s ok son… no one’s going to hurt you… just give me the bottle…"

"… apparently, dad needs our help."

"donsh…"

***

 

He woke up to the darkness. The sun had not risen and the world was lonely for light. However, Joe was not. He had a terrible headache, one that reminded him of his failure to keep his weakness in check.

Lilies, where’re my lilies…

Slowly he got up and realized that he was on the couch of his living room. A stale breath permeated down his throat and he felt like puking. Staggering into the kitchen, he rinsed his mouth several times. When that did not get rid of the acrid taste, he exhaled loudly and laughed softly- evilly- as he saw millions of microscopic dirty germs and viruses in the air dying from inhaling his bad breath. Strangely, that made him feel better and thus, he made his way to his bathroom upstairs to perform his morning routine.

When he finished with his business, the need to find the bouquet of lilies overwhelmed his system and he became intently fixated with the task. He could not remember if he brought them into the house- no one remembered anything from their drunken state. Hence, he raided his room- his anxiety levels upping several notches when he did not see the bouquet anywhere.

Damn! Where can it be?

Quietly, he made his way down. All that he did was done clandestinely. He cursed mutely; overturned things gently. He had no need to wake up the family. They were unconscious for the night- until the emptiness of the darkness passed- until the advent of morning to bring them warmth and joy.

"Where are you? In my van? Did I drive in my state?" Joe whispered to himself, scanning all sides of the couch that he had just slept on. The bouquet eluded him still. It was not anywhere- not on the coffee table; not on the television; not anywhere. In frustration, he kicked the coffee table and sent it skidding back a little with the dreadful screeching sound of heavy, varnished wood against smooth, faux marble tiles.

"Whoa… whash that?" Frank’s sleepy voice startled Joe and he furtively glanced in the direction where his brother’s voice came from. He hoped it was his imagination. His mind’s eye was indeed roving in far too many places these days.

"Nothing… go back to sleep…" Joe croaked. It was then he was aware of the dehydration plaguing his body. Water, he needed water.

And those lilies.

Frank looked up from the dining table which he rested his head on. Surrounded by notes, Joe knew at once what Frank had been doing- only the reason for not studying in the comfort of his own room escaped Joe’s comprehension. Not wanting to dwell on such a stupid matter- his brains were feeling too dense anyway- Joe slipped into the kitchen to get some water.

And spun around after he poured himself a glass to find Frank hovering behind him.

"I thought I told you to go back to sleep!" He hissed at Frank who shook his head.

"Can’t. Why didn’t you turn on the lights?"

"And wake the whole world? I’m out of here now. How did I reach home? I drove myself?" Joe inquired. He made his way to the living room, out of the door and onto the front patio but saw no signs of his van. Frank, who had been tailing silently behind him, shrugged when he whirled around to face Frank in silent questioning.

"I don’t know. I was in Maggie’s room when you rammed in like an idiot into the house. Dad had to restrain you first… you do drink too much. Maybe the bartender got you a ride."

Bar? Pubs? Which one? Which one did I leave those blasted lilies at!!!

He collapsed on the steps of the patio and buried his face in his hands, not to cry. Nay, big boys don’t cry. He wanted to stop the noise pollution in his mind; wanted all the horrible voices and static to just stop.

He wanted silence.

Gritting his teeth against paranoia, neurotics and nightmarish memories that always coordinated together perfectly to assault him, he felt Frank’s presence very close to him and instinctively wriggled slightly away.

"Maggie told me about Mina and your dorm room."

"Just say it." Joe deadpanned, sick of all the subtle implications that Frank always loved to pepper his conversations with.

"Say what?" Frank sounded genuinely innocent. Joe almost believed him.

"That I’m a jerk, just say it." Joe drawled and cast a bored askew glance at his brother.

"No… that’s not what I meant. You’re not a jerk. I’ve known you long enough to know… that you do have your reasons for your actions, no matter how screwed they may be." Frank looked up at the sky as he spoke and the night at the breakwaters- the night in which Frank pointed out constellations of stars to him to remind him of light and hope in the world- jogged through Joe’s memories as a slight, bitter smile formed on his lips.

He had asked Frank to find him then but he had this exceptional talent for getting lost.

But this night was different. Reasons for abandoning Mina who had done nothing wrong? Joe was sure if he told Frank, Frank would not believe a single word he said. Because dead people did not just fall into one’s sight. Dead people would not talk.

He wondered if his judgment was totally gone. Everything was so surreal, but in the awful sense. He just wanted to be woken; to be transported away to somewhere better. As the yearning took hold of him, he retreated further and further into the hidden corner inside his mental consciousness- searching; desiring.

"So…" Frank began, looking at Joe with a huge question mark on his scourging countenance. Joe, who was only vaguely aware of Frank’s silent query; tried to focus on the fuzziness inside his cranium. But still, he could not collapse his mortal shell into his mind and cross over to the other side to rummage through the debris for some essence of truth. As his trance-like visage gradually melted away, he became conscious of Frank’s piercing glance. Averting his eyes, he had the privilege of a sudden amnesia, forgetting what he had just seen in the sinuous mental mirage he created.

Is it Vanessa that I saw? I think it is…

If so, then it’s not a hallucination… she’s… she’s so real…

"So what?"

"The reason?"

"You won’t get it." He looked Frank squarely in the eyes, hoping Frank could see, even with the lack of light around them, the pleading on his mien for Frank to stop questioning.

Frank reached out with both his hands, seemingly about to wring Joe’s pale neck. But a split second later, Frank relaxed those limbs of his and sighed loudly like a man who knew when to perform a calculated capitulation.

"What’s the point of asking you, right? I may as well go to sleep. Good day."

Joe watched Frank slowly and clumsily get up since his muscles were not yet nubile as he had just been jolted awake. Joe had wanted to stop Frank from questioning but he did not want to see Frank just leave. Darkness- he preferred it to light but it overwhelmed him with sadness and loneliness. He knew he wore it like a cloak but it was not by choice. If anything, he did want to shed it for the freshness of dewdrops; the magic of morning.

For then, he just wanted somebody next to him to dispel some of the horrors away with quiet companionship.

"Wait…" He reached out and grabbed his brother’s hand. "Stay for a moment will you?"

And if I see Vanessa again, I can point her out to Frank! Frank will see her too and…

We’ll know she’s alive! Alive!!!

The thought exhilarated Joe and unknowingly, a happy grin bared his teeth.

Frank’s eyes slit in perplexity at Joe’s goofy grin before he proceeded to sit down again. Joe suddenly felt strangely happy, in a funny, weird sense of the word. But he was. He knew how to obtain the proof he needed.

The missing lilies! It all just pieced together! There’s no other explanation.

"Why are you grinning?"

"What if Vanessa’s alive?" Joe furtively glanced around and let out a slight giggle. "If she’s alive, then… this will all be a bad dream."

He thought Frank would agree with him and they would just sit there and wait for Vanessa to show up again. Hallucination or reality, he could finally ascertain because Frank would confirm it for him.

Reality. I’m sure it’s real. It has to be real!

But Frank only grew worried. His mouth gaped opened and his brows arched in bafflement. "Joe?" He asked softly and too cautiously. That irritated Joe. He did not need to be treated with kid gloves. Why the careful tone? What was Frank afraid of?

"I’ve seen her… well. I’m sure I’ve heard her voice and…"

Another voice insulting me but that’s another story…

"She asked me to buy her lilies. I did buy… five…but I can’t find it… maybe she took it. Then as I was driving, I saw her a few times…her hair… blowing in the wind…"

Then the screams for me to save him, to help him. But I was pinned to the ground. I can’t help…

I can’t even help myself…

The more Joe explained, the more anxious Frank became. Raking a hand through his hair, Frank cocked his head to one side in disquieting contemplation.

"You’ve seen Vanessa?"

"Yup!" Joe nodded vigorously. "She’s alive! Pinch me Frank! We’ll wake up together and leave this horrible bell jar!"

"Did you drink anything before you saw her?" Frank turned towards him again and Joe wanted to yell out loud for someone to just believe him.

"No! I did not! I saw her… I did… why can’t you trust me?" He hissed sharply, pinching his left forearm maniacally. Frank placed a restraining hand on his- the firm grasp frustrated Joe. The more he thought about his argument, the more true it sounded. This world- it was not his.

Not mine! Vanessa’s waiting for me… she’s alive…

"Don’t. You’re bruising yourself."

"I’ve seen her…" Joe whispered earnestly; a desperate voice for a desperate man. "You think it’s a hallucination on my part…"

Say you believe me, Frank… I’m not crazy. I’ve found the truth! The explanation for this madness… you just got to trust me…

Please…

"Yes… well.. no…. Joe… I think you really need to talk to Emily… maybe some medication…"

Joe stood up abruptly, incredulous at what he had just heard articulated from Frank. Frank, his elder brother.

I trust you! I’ve always trusted you!

"I told you the reason and you think I’m a nutcase!" He spat out the words and spat out his indignant, "I’m not a nutcase! I know what I saw… she took the lilies! That’s why I can’t find it!"

"Maybe you left the lilies somewhere else!" Frank squeezed the words from his lungs through gritted teeth. Joe wanted to laugh at the hilarity at what Frank was suggesting; if only Frank knew how ridiculous his hypothesis was.

Somewhere else? It’s so bloody important! Somewhere else. Right.

Arghh!

"I won’t let it out of my sight! I want to give it to her! Why would I just dump it somewhere else?" Joe screamed quietly, incensed by Frank’s denseness. "Why can’t…"

"Joe… calm down… listen to yourself. Vanessa’s dead…" Frank stretched his hands out and gently grabbed Joe’s, trying to get Joe to sit down again. Frank may want his touch to be comforting, like that of an adult soothing a troubled child but to Joe, betrayal tainted the contact- his brother’s fingers morphed into the hairy legs of a tarantula.

And Joe hated tarantulas with an inborn passion.

"NO!"

"Yes, she is… sit down, all right? When morning breaks, I’ll go with you and we’ll go see Emily together… it’s not a battle you have to fight alone…and I’ll explain to you… something I’ve found out…" Frank was still trying to appeal to Joe with his crazy suggestions. See Emily? Frank should see Emily. They were trapped in this terrible nightmare that veiled their eyes with the false images made to look real; feel real.

And only Joe knew about this dreadful secret. He had to save them from the matrix.

He was never more certain of his convictions.

"We’re not having this conversation, brother. Good day." Joe walked away, his head held high. If Frank did not want to believe, he would make Frank see.

And Frank would believe.

Believe what?

Suddenly, he felt like he was going crazy and not Frank. Confused- he was never more confused. The sharp lines before him blurred and a wave of nausea rushed through him.

He felt Frank gripping his hand from behind tightly, stopping his strides which were already tethering. "Where are you going? Joe… talk to me…"

Shaking off Frank’s grasp, Joe spun around and threw his hands in surrender at the opacity of Frank’s mind. "I DID! I talked to you!"

"Joe…" Frank was practically begging, annoying Joe to no ends.

"Shut up! I’m not going to kill myself again, ok? I just want to be alone or I’ll go mad sitting here and listening to you!" He yelled at his brother; at the claustrophobia of the vaporous milieu of his consciousness. Yelling was good. Yelling kept the vomit down.

Frank backed off, retreating a step back. "Alright. Whatever you want."

"Don’t follow me!" Joe warned. Walking backwards, he glared at Frank who stood where he was- with the same old helpless look.

Turning around suddenly, Joe ran in the direction of the beach. If Frank wanted to follow, let Frank follow. Joe did not care anymore.

Like the barren moon, with its waterless craters- indenting dark spots that tarnished the murky yellow of borrowed light- he pined for the sun- his sun which would break this curse of agony and bring back Vanessa.

Bring back Vanessa to take him away from the awful mess of his bludgeoned heart- the mangled flesh and the twisted veins.

But the sun and moon were twains that shalt never meet. And so that was his fate.

With Vanessa, his sanity, his lost world.

And his borrowed light burst forth with a penetrating and glaring radiance before it blinked once and extinguished; consumed by the void he was floundering in.