He waited for her in the central foyer, where they decided to meet for their first date. Sure, they had been out many times together but those were the times when the line between them was clear: friendship. Now, it had blurred into the region where Joe had once thought would be impossible to be breached by anyone.

She did. She managed to spot the cracks that she slowly lined in the wall that he built around himself- cracks she pressured upon with much patience and love and when a gap was big enough, she slipped inside of him, vowing never to leave.

Joe kept this date a secret from Frank though he was sure that Frank would be more than happy to hear about it- another sign of Joe’s progress as he would take it. But Joe did not want to jeopardize anything yet. He did not want somebody to bring his hopes up nor have anyone putting expectations or interpreting too much into his actions. He was afraid Frank would be disappointed if the date did not point to the recovery of his tattered mind.

Because Joe did not feel any different than yesterday, only that now, he had a secret he could clasp in his palms jealously. Not the one he wanted to just fling away to the winds. This was one secret that he wanted to treasure.

And one secret that he was so precariously holding on to.

Am I doing the right thing? I’m not letting her make an informed decision, am I?

Will it be better if I just leave now? Even let go of the friendship? Then I don’t have to ever lie to her because there will be no need to tell her.

"Joe…" Mina tapped his shoulders suddenly, her sweet crystalline voice broke his trance- a common occurrence when his mind retreated yet once again to the maze of self-doubt. Somehow, she would manage to find him, no matter where he was; where he had disappeared into.

Turning around, he took in her beauty and a nervous smile crept up the sides of lips. She looked enchanting, unlike any other girls he had ever dated and he had dated plenty. Like the fairy-tale princess he imagined her to be, she fulfilled his fantasy and brought him to the lands of magical wonders.

Dressed in a laced white blouse and a ruffled, long blue skirt, she never looked lovelier. Perhaps she noticed him staring and admiring her palpably for she blushed- embarrassment painted her cheeks the cutest shade of pink. Her fringe was clipped to one side and gentleness was the invisible cloak that covered her.

"Hmm…well… where did you park your van?" Mina enquired shyly. Joe chuckled at the absurdity of their awkwardness. Just yesterday, they were friends who bickered and subtly prove their concern and budding love for each other in all sorts of manner. Today, they were like schoolchildren who had never gotten into a relationship before.

"What are you laughing about? Do I look funny?" Mina scowled at him. The uncomfortable air surrounding them dispersed and a sense of relief spread through Joe warmly.

"Nope, just taller…platform shoes? Mina, I think I prefer you when you’re shorter."

"Fine! I’m never going through such pains just to make sure we don’t look weird together, since you can’t grow any shorter…"

Joe shook his head, thinking that Mina was hanging around Maggie too much. Gently, he guided her by her shoulders and they strolled close to each other to the central block car park and across it-his black van. He wished he had taken the time to borrow Frank’s Mustang or his dad’s Camry but the date came too soon and butterflies flitted in his stomach since the night before in anticipation for this. The excitement, coupled with the forced suppression of the nightmares that bobbed up and down his sea of thoughts, caused him to neglect factors in which he could make the date more perfect and treat Mina like the princess she was.

Halfway to his van, Mina tottered and her ankle gave way. She jolted backwards into Joe whose quick reflexes were the only reason why she did not hit the ground. Laughing softly, he supported her and helped her stand straight again.

"I know many girls fall for me but you don’t have to take it literally…" He jested, earning himself a groan.

"Joey!!!"

"Joey! You’re too corny!!!!!"

"Sorry Nessa! But you know I love you!"

"Oh poor me, stuck now with that dreadful knowledge…."

"Hey…" Suddenly, he was aware of Mina’s waving hand in front of his face. "Where did you go?"

He blinked at her and realized that he must have been arrested by the sudden paralyzing, memories of not so long ago. Smiling weakly, he gestured to the sky which was streaked with a myriad of colors which would blend together later to herald in the night. "Mars. I went to Mars, oh gorgeous Venusian…"

She rolled her eyes and he grinned. Like a gentleman, he opened her door for her before he climbed into the van himself. They were silent for the journey to the mall, or rather, he was reticent but he could not help it. Concentrating on the road, concentrating to keep his flashbacks in check and trying to formulate answers to her attempts at chit-chatting soon became the most weary set of task he ever had the privilege of undertaking.

***

"I must be real boring as a date or you’re really not here with me." Mina voiced out after a tedious hour of walking round Bayport Mall aimlessly. Joe was caught by her sharp comment but he simply bit his lips, not knowing what to say.

"Maybe it’s the mall." He ventured half-heartedly after a brief pause, feeling like his own worst enemy. Oh, the mall was hardly the best place for a date with its commercial layout and screaming store-front lights. Cash registers chiming away brought about the cacophony of a capitalist’s piece. Romance was definitely not in the air.

But it was not the mall. It was him. The mall just aided the failure of the date.

His attention was dwindling by the second.

"It will be the same anywhere else." She muttered dejectedly before she indicated to the toilet signs. "I think I need to visit the ladies. Wait for me?"

Joe nodded slightly and watched her retreating back.

Why are you doing this to yourself, Joseph Hardy? You know you want this to happen! Can you stop being a traitor to your happiness?

Do you even want happiness? Huh? You love to sink so much into the depths?

Alone in the crowd, he felt pangs of regret washing over him at the horrible evening. It was supposed to be simple; magical. They were to have a nice dinner in Ship where he would crack jokes to make her laugh and think that he was the funniest man alive and then, they would perhaps argue a little about where to go but end up somewhere they both want to be.

In each other’s embrace.

The date unfolded, one trying chapter after another, into one long drone. Her initial exuberance was given a cold shower by his increased taciturn. Once too often, he almost called her ‘Ness’. And he had to guard himself in case he slipped and it did not occur to him that by battling the ongoing war in his mind at the same time, he fell hard.

And she knew. The worst part was that he knew she knew that he was still seeing Vanessa in his mind.

Dinner was difficult to swallow as bile kept rising up his throat. Her voice was too soft for the racket in his mental consciousness. It was harder and harder to discern between what she said and what he thought he heard.

A flower shop was just next to the restrooms and he thought that maybe he could salvage the rest of the date with some thoughtful purchase to apologize. Girls loved flowers and extraordinary as Mina was, he knew she would love roses.

If she loves flowers. You mean you didn’t find out? What a lousy boyfriend you must make!

Of course she deserves someone better than you… incomplete, still pining away… ‘Nessa! Nessa!’

"Who said that?" He whispered harshly and jerked his head to one side, narrowing his eyes. Fallen back to Earth, he was once again aware of the streams of shoppers passing by him in all directions and he was in the middle of the human traffic. No one was near him though, no one spoke.

Must be me. Sounds like me too.

Shaking his head to clear the mental din, he entered the shop and was immediately hit by the sweet smell of roses. Frank once told him that the scent of a rose-which was to be sold-was artificially enhanced and the knowledge crushed him. In his naivety, he really thought roses had the permeating fragrance that would pervade a person's soul and inspire love.

 

Artificial or not, girls like these things.

"May I have a dozen red roses please…" he strolled up to the counter and asked of the florist who smiled and opened the door to the refrigerator behind her. Joe’s eyes, idle and bored, glanced around and immediately regretted doing so.

"Buy lilies for me, please? Darling? I love lilies!!!"

"But flowers die! We can use the money for something else like an hour of Counterstrike!"

"You’re so romantic…"

"Thanks! I try!"

"Buying lilies for me, Joey?"

"Ness?" He hissed, certain that he heard her voice.

"I love lilies, the white kind… don’t go telling me they look like something you place on a grave…"

"Here’s your roses sir, anything else?"

"Lilies…and the pollen, be careful! Once it gets onto your clothes, it can’t be washed off…stain your clothes forever…"

Stain…

"Lilies…" Joe replied her softly. "Lilies."

"What color?"

"The white ones Joey! Only the white ones! Don’t go buying me roses…"

"The white ones. Five. Five white lilies."

Of course, love. Anything for you…

"I love you, Joe…"

"I love you too, Ness…"

"Don’t go loving someone else… promise me…"

"I can’t… I love you… forever…"

"Forever…" And he knew why the date was terrible. He broke a promise. Not only that, he was unworthy.

Stain.

How can I expect to be like a normal man on a first date with a girl he likes? I have not been fair to her. It’s not fair…

"There you go, sir. That’s forty-dollars."

Joe gave her his debit card and as she swiped it, he spotted the date on the calendar and guilt pulled him down in the undertow again, dragging him into new depths; engulfing him in the inky blackness of his mental ocean where light refused to stream in.

"Look at that old couple! Do you think we’ll be like that? Holding hands when our faces are wrinkled and our hair’s grey?"

"I don’t know… you don’t look pretty with wrinkles and grey hair…"

"Joey!!!!"

"You’ll look gorgeous."

"Please sign here." She indicated to the receipt and he did just that. Taking the bunch of lilies, he walked out of the shop.

"Joey, I’m here… look here…"

"Where?" Joe quickened his pace- searching eyes scanned the fluid crowd.

"Sir! Your roses…" Someone called him from behind but he could not care.

Vanessa, where are you?

I have so much to tell you. Forgive me… I didn’t mean to forget… didn’t mean to…

My love for you.

Forever.

***

He drove around town, looking for something, someone and he thought he had seen her, or rather, her shadow many times while hearing screams at the back of his mind. The rationale part of him still spoke though. He should not be driving, not when he was turning mental.

For she was dead. They had buried her. It was not a death like Iola where there could still be suspicions. Vanessa was dead.

But he heard her voice. It was so real. He heard her voice and…

Many times he skidded the van to a halt because he thought he spotted her finally. But each surge of joy soon came crashing down with the awful breaking of the spell by reality. The night distorted his vision, aided by scalding tears.

15 October. It was so close.

He had forgotten.

But if he was sure he had seen her, then she would be alive! Then there would be no more death anniversaries to speak about. And everything else would be a bad dream! He did not go to jail, he did not get slapped by Andrea in front of her grave.

He did not try to jump down Big Cliff.

He pinched himself several times. He was dreaming in his nightmare. It was time to wake up and when he did, Vanessa would be hovering over him. Maybe somehow, he was in his twisted mind. Maybe he was knocked on the head and became unconscious, dreaming of these vile movies while reality waited for him on the other side.

A nice one where she was alive.

And he had no scarred hands.

No shame. No guilt.

But the pinching hurts. He kept pinching himself until he was sure his left forearm was marked with bruises. He did not wake up.

For how does one wake a person who was already awake?

His mobile rang incessantly and he threw it out of the window. He needed silence. He needed to hear her voice again.

Then he realized that he was back in the car park of his hostel block.

And Vanessa was not there.

***

"Joe, did you offend anyone?" Shane grilled Joe the moment he emerged from the staircase onto the dimly lit corridor of his room’s floor. Pulling Joe to their dorm room, Shane indicated to the red mess of paintwork on their door and the surrounding walls.

Vaguely aware that Shane was not the only person around him then, Joe shrugged off Shane’s grip and proceeded to unlock the door.

"Mr. Hardy. You and Mr. Melvick will have to pay for this … graffiti!"

Who’s that? I don’t care.

"But it isn’t even our fault! Right Joe?"

"Whatever." Joe mumbled.

"Joe?"

He slammed the door in both their faces.

I don’t care.