The Second Trial

"Brian Hooper right?" the DA questioned Joe’s ex-best friend who was on the stand. The blond headed jock nodded and Joe bristled at just seeing him.

You took Vanessa away from me. I trusted you. We were friends. Maybe you should came with her to confront me. And this will never have to happen.

"Yes." Brian averted his eyes from Joe’s fixating, vacant look. It was uncomfortable, more uncomfortable than an angry glare because it was unfathomable.

"Did you have a fling with Vanessa Bender about a month before the victim passed away?"

"Yes. But it’s not a fling. I really like…no…love her."

"Had sex with her?"

Hector stood up. "Objection your honor. This question has nothing to do with the case at hand."

Thaddeus Anson, the DA turned to the judge, irritated. "Your Honor, I’m just trying establish the motive behind Joe’s rage."

"Permission granted. You may go ahead." Judge Kelly waved them on.

"So, have you had sex with her?"

"Yes. Once, we were drunk. But she regretted it soon after, so did I. We did date a few times after that. Joe was never around much. I liked her a lot. And she needed someone to be there." Brian took in a huge breathe. "But she called it off about a week before the party. She then told me she was going to tell Joe on that night."

"Which night?" The unrelenting DA pressed on with his questions that were evidently stressing Brian up more and more.

"The party. The night of the party. I saw them left by the back door, down the trail leading to the old tree house." Brian closed his eyes, painfully. "And she never came back."

She never came back. Never came back. My Vanessa…she never came back…Why Biff? Why must you take her away from me? I’m your best friend!

But it’s my fault right? I didn’t control my temper…

"Besides Joe, was there anyone else with her?"

"No. Only the two of them left the party."

"You were with Frank when he found his brother right?"

"I was the one who told Frank they had been gone too long. I was worried. Frank told me that Joe was going to propose to Vanessa and the I told him what Vanessa wanted to tell Joe. Somehow, I guess we freaked a little but we don’t know why. So we went to check and…"

"Yes?"

"There Joe was. Holding on to Vanessa…or what was left of her in one hand, a gun in the other." Brian covered his mouth, his chest heaved up once. He was probably still haunted by the gruesome sight.

"And how would you describe him?"

"Disbelief. He seemed in disbelief."

I was not in disbelief. I don’t know what I was feeling. Maybe I’ve gone to the stars and back. Or maybe I was just going away with her for a while. For a long long while.

***

Present

"Joe! We’re up next! What the hell are you doing with that in your hand?" Craig hissed as he shoved Joe towards the stage which was all set up. Joe blinked twice and gawked at the bottle of pure vodka in his hands. He had vowed to be sober, given Frank that dreaded promise. Now, there he was- five minutes before his gig and almost drunk.

"We don’t drink before we perform alright? Now get the hell up there!" Craig roughly pushed past Joe who made a wrinkled face behind the only band member that he would not consider his friend.

Staggering up the stage a little, he took his place behind the keyboard. The lights then shone on the band and Joe averted his face away from the irritating photons beating on his face. Photons- that was a new thought- he had not forgotten those physics modules in high school after all. Some book knowledge managed to stay with him.

He surveyed the crowd that day. There were more people that day and Joe thought he spotted familiar long blond curly hair. He tried to investigated closer by squinting his eyes but she disappeared into the crowd.

If it’s her, I’ll personally ground her for the rest of her life. No matter what Mom or Dad says.

They had not an opening announcement- everyone knew they would sing once the lights went on. They garnered quite a lot of support from the patrons of this dark pub and thus, most of the patrons kept quiet in respect.

Also in fear that Joe would kill them for talking too much. The case was well known.

Craig beat the drums with that lazy look on his face but it was all a pretense. Joe knew Craig wanted to seem more attractive that way- acting the cool guy; the indolent drummer. But Craig was passionate about what he did. His lively, energetic play of the drums betrayed whatever listlessness he put on.

Joe hit his chords and crooned into the mike as Wayne and Shane strummed their guitar along to the raspy, gloomy soft rock. Joe had forgotten how he was chosen to be the lead singer. It was like he just did it and everybody went along with it.

He could not really bring passion into his songs though, part of the allure of his voice stemmed from the fact that he sounded coldly detached from whatever he was singing. His songs were about pain. His voice narrated the words sonorously and yet, mockingly at the same time. Mocking the pain behind, the terrible angst. Deriding the brutal honesty of the words, the descending chords of the song.

And he was removed from himself as well, ridiculing himself for feeling worthy to feel the tormenting anguish. Denunciating his own existence.

I have died with her. The only problem was that she flew from my grasp as I continue to fall.

"Grey eyes/ don’t look at me that way, where have all the light gone/ don’t say you don’t know/ Grey eyes/keep me entranced, never let me go./ You know/ there’s nothing you can do and there’s no where to hide/ don’t be too far too soon/ Grey eyes/ keep me entranced, never let me go/ As the rain fall like tears/ on the ground /where your body lies under/ flowers will bloom/ never to fade/Grey Eyes/ tell me, where to go from here/ coz Grey eyes, do you know/ there’s a saline river flowing down on Earth…"

People write songs to heal. He seemed to be writing songs to make himself feel worse.

***

Mina and Maggie sneaked into Storm, where Maggie said her second brother frequented quite often. It was her first time there, having strict instructions from Joe never to step foot in what he termed the godforsaken place or he would personally see to it that she never ever walk again.

Joe was always like that, threatening her to stop her from any actions he felt was inappropriate for her, trying to be a big brother when he himself was being babied by Frank. Maggie was slightly jealous of the bond between her brothers though. She had been away much of the time in that prestigious music boarding school for girls and only recently came back home for good, to further her education in UB, majoring in Music. But she always had Laura on her side. Laura, her sweet mother.

With a fiery temper most of the time now.

And Joe’s not too much older either. Their age differ only by 9 months. Joe was born in December and she in August, the same month as Frank.

So Joe did not really have any right to treat her like a baby. However, she knew Joe had his own issues to sort out. She knew what Joe must be going through, but she could not understand, she could only offer him her support.

A year had passed since Vanessa’s death. Joe had just entered college with her, a year behind his peers. She doubted Joe would mind her stepping into Storm.

Until she heard him sing. Until she saw Mina staring at her too handsome brother with her mouth gaping opened.

And she knew she had made a mistake.

A horrible mistake.

***

"Is he singing for my cousin? That’s…that’s so sad…so sweet…" Mina Lee gripped her new friend’s hands, hearing that husky, despondent voice singing that beautiful song- that terrible song. It sent a wave of sadness that crushed her, reminding her of her cousin whom she had such a close bond with since they were young.

They did not want him to meet me. But I will. I need to tell him about the things Vanessa told me about him.

He will love to hear it, I’m sure. It’s long overdue. And I want to ask him some questions.

And thus she cajoled and pestered Maggie who was the weakest willed among the Hardys to bring her here, somehow sensing that Maggie was just dying to step into the dark, gloomy place as well. On their way over, Maggie regaled her with horror stories about Storm which Joe had told her- when he felt like talking- until she was afraid to venture in alone. Now that they were there, Mina felt that Maggie’s fears were unfounded. The place was crowded but it was dead. The people seemed dead. The only time they were alive was when he sang.

And then they were alive while he seemed dead.

One look at him and she knew why Vanessa had fallen so hopelessly in love with him. He was a little different from what Vanessa had described him to be, for one, he seemed to have undergone a drastic weight loss. His clothes hung on him, and under the spotlight, she spotted those scarred hands as he played the keyboard with a sense of impassiveness that was so contradictory to the passion behind his words. Sweat matted down his flaxen hair that ended in soft curls just at the nape of his neck.

The hands…oh my God, those are not scars, those are torturous marks of sufferings.

The wide, blue sapphire eyes, those eyes that Vanessa could not stop gushing about in her earlier letters, held Mina captivated. Mirrored eyes that scanned the room, reflecting all they saw, throwing the deadness in the room back at everyone with scorn, and then the mirror let slipped for a split second when he sang about flowers always blooming on Vanessa’s burial ground.

The mirror cracked and his eyes burst with a myriad of expressions, all melancholy and doom, all sweet and longing.

And Mina was intrigued. Very intrigued.

Raspy voice that cracked at some parts. So, this is the guy Vanessa had given her life for.

Had…

Too painful. I should blame him. Andrea did. I should blame him.

But now, seeing him, I cannot believe…there’s so much love…

"He is. Grey eyes. It used to be happier. Now he totally changed it. I think we should go…I’m feeling a little uncomfortable." Maggie took her arm and tried to steer her to the entrance. But Mina wanted to hear more. Joe was going into a keyboard solo now and she loved the way his scarred fingers danced; she loved the way he disregarded all of them.

You’re uncomfortable because you knew the real reason why your brother refused you to enter. He did not want you to see that side of him, the side that’s still hurting. And this is why I came. Because I've got Vanessa’s last letter with me. And I want to confront him. But can I still ask him those questions I wanted answers to now?

"Just a while more…" Mina stopped Maggie from pulling at her arm painfully. "I want to hear…"

"You’re having a crush on him…it’s no good…for you…" Maggie hissed. "Let’s go…"

Mina relented and allowed Maggie to guide her away, but not without one last lingering glance at the singer, and then seeing his eyes, now angry, fixed on Maggie.

Oh oh…

***

He narrowed his eyes against the smokiness of Storm and spotted Maggie with a petite girl with extremely long, lustrous black hair near the exit. Anger surged though him. It was not the big brother kind of protective anger. Joe might like to protect Maggie from all the evils of the world but in actual fact, he felt Maggie could take care of herself much better than he gave her credit for. Being in boarding school much of her life, Maggie had an independent streak in her that could only be cultivated by being away from home from a tender age. If only she would learn some responsibility and restraint.

She and her damn friend heard my damn song!

He was angry because the dark side of him was being discovered. The dark side he did not want to let any of his family members come too close to because even he could not live with it. How could he burden them with the monsters he had glimpsed shadows of under his bed? At night, he could only close his eyes against the unbearable consciousness of self-loathing and wish he had somewhere to disappear into, lest the fiends reach out from under his bed and tear him apart, leaving only shreds for vultures to feed on when they were done.

Damn you, Maggie!

Jumping down from the stage to the surprise of everybody, he strode urgently and angrily towards his kid sister. The gasps from some patrons caught Maggie’s attention and she glanced around to learn for herself what might be causing the mini commotion and the sudden break in the second song.

And blanched when she saw Joe smoldering at her.

"Have you no sense of shame Maggie? To be seen in place like this. You are a decent proper girl and hell why can’t you stay that way?" Joe coldly rebuked his sister. It was no secret that he was playing gigs in Storm, yet it was a godforsaken place to Frank so Joe did not worry too much about catching Frank in there.

He had tried to drum the idea that it was an extremely dangerous and immoral place into Maggie’s head but Maggie had this stubbornness, a trait shared by him that had frustrated Frank very often. Now, this stubbornness of his was staring back into his face, dressed up as his sister.

"It’s much more tame than those I went to in California on my spring breaks! And I want to go where I want to go! You’re here! I don’t think I’ll get into trouble with you around, scaring everyone away from me!" Maggie retorted back. A crowd had begun to gather around the lead singer and the fiery girl with golden curls. Joe gripped her hand and tried to drag her out of the pub.

"Shut up little girl! Go home now! Where you’ll be safe."

"NO! I DON’T WANT TO!!!"

"Damn it! Don’t you ever listen!!!!"

The tug of war between the two siblings continued with Joe being stronger and Maggie more defiant. Joe was a little surprised at the strength his petite little sister had as he had not even managed to drag her more than three steps towards the exit.

"She was only curious about what her elder brother really does…she wants to see this side of you for herself…"

A crystalline voice surprised Joe then. He turned around sharply with the intention of admonishing the stranger who had trespassed into what he still liked to call- in his mind- a family affair, even though he knew deep down inside that it was his own self-consciousness and heightened suspicious nature that caused him to be paranoid about anyone close to him hearing any of his songs or reading any of his works. If that should happen, he would be naked and exposed, standing trial, waiting to be condemned.

Grey eyes…don’t leave me alone…Grey eyes, saline river still flows. Keep me entranced; don’t let me go…Grey eyes, do you know, saline river still flows.

Vanessa’s eyes…Vanessa…

"Joe, what are you doing?" Maggie’s slightly shrill voice jolted him rudely away from his reverie. He realized he was about to caress the unknown girl’s face with his hideous hands and saw then that it was not Vanessa he was facing. Firstly, the girl was much shorter than Vanessa’s five feet ten. Secondly, Asian heritage was evident in the girl’s mien. Thirdly, the girl, though very pretty, looked nothing like Vanessa except for those identical grey eyes. Those identical, alert, beautiful and enchanting grey eyes.

Fourthly, Vanessa’s six feet underground. I put her there…my Vanessa…how did I?

I dreamt of you so often, and now, your eyes, back in my life. Who is this imposter? This person with your eyes and yet not yours?

Joe brusquely snatched his hands back in mid-reach and shoved them down his pockets. He was eying the girl still angrily, for it was the only expression he could muster up to mask the ravishing inside his soul. He could no longer put up that mirrored defense under the shock of seeing what he thought he would never have the chance to behold again.

"I’m sorry. I’m Vanessa’s cousin, Mina Lee. Just call me Mina." She extended her hand for a shake. Joe growled something rude under his breath and walked away from his sister and the stranger with Vanessa’s eyes called Mina. Walked away right out of the exit.

If he could sit down and consider his actions seriously, he would know his sudden departure would not sit well with his band members who still had another half an hour of gig to go and there they were, on stage, stunned and deserted by their lead singer. Their chancy lead singer.

Yet he was in no mood for rationale thinking. Never was. The eyes came back to haunt him. Singing about them right before seeing them unnerved him and while he had been numbed for almost a year before the incident, somehow, he was beginning to feel the crushing avalanche descending on him, and he could not endure it, could not see how he could endure it. The nightmare would never dispel the moment it forced Joe to finally acknowledge its presence and bow down to its power.

He fell down on his knees, staring into space with gaping mouth and feverish eyes. Curious stares and uncomfortable glances burned into him but he did not feel any of them. He had no knowledge that he was kneeling in the middle of the road, with cars honking impatiently at the seemingly mad young man who had jammed the whole road with his body.

Vanessa, you see? You saw what happened to me? Don’t leave me please…please…don’t leave me there, in that cell, don’t…

But you won’t despise me right? Please say you won’t…but of course you will…but you really cannot…for my sake you can’t…

Because I need the cool healing touch of your love to set me free…I love you so much…

I know I’m caged, forever. A prison of my own doing…

Oh God, can someone tell her how much I love her? Tell her for me?! Wherever she is? I can’t feel her! I can’t!!!

And a hand reached out for him- grabbing him and forcing him up on his feet again. Dark brown eyes that deepened into mysterious black- like the canvas that had blanketed the stars- brought him some comfort though he still hated the touch. But he allowed his savior to lead him to a car and drove him back to a Tudor house.

After an hour, after his mind that was temporary scrambled by the witch reorganized itself, he realized he was home; on his bed with the old devouring parasite still gnawing away at its host- him.

Blinking, he looked to his left and saw Frank frowning at him, not in displeasure but with concern. At that moment- knowing Frank would question; would investigate- Joe just wanted to die.