PRESENT: THE LONGEST NIGHT III

Mina could not sleep because of the sobbing. Her room was just next to Vanessa’s and she knew who it was who was crying. Andrea did that sometimes. In the middle of the night, she would miss her beautiful daughter and visit the pristine shrine to the memory of Vanessa.

Slowly, she got out of bed and groped her way in the darkness until she was out of her room and inside Vanessa’s. There Andrea was in darkness, her long ash-blond hair awry, sitting on Vanessa’s bed and caressing a photo, or something like a photo.

Andrea had been very strong throughout the year. Suicide had claimed her husband, Jack, and her daughter. Suicide had claimed her family but from what Mina could see, suicide would not claim her.

A mother’s tears…the most heart-wrenching sound in the night.

"Andrea…you alright?" She called out softly, tenderly. Mina switched on the lights and dimmed it down immediately, so they would have light but not too much to hurt their eyes.

Andrea threw a glance back and smiled sadly sweet at Mina. Vanessa really took after her mother in everything with only slight variations. Mina suddenly missed her cousin very much. The cousin who was so much like a sister to her.

"Come Mina, sit next to me…talk to me…" Andrea patted an empty space next to her and Mina obliged. Andrea was caressing a photo- now that with light Mina could confirm. A photo taken of her and Vanessa in Japan. She remembered the trip. She had went with them together with her dad. Mina and Vanessa were seventeen then and very carefree, very innocent. She loved Mount Fuji but Vanessa preferred the sakuras. It was not like they would love one and hate the other, they loved both- just had different preferences.

And how we argued about it. Trees sprinkled with pink, innocent flowers versus a majestic mountain. And in the end, we realized we were arguing for the sake of arguing and had such a good laugh. She was with Joe already then…but it was only budding. If she only knew how much he loved her, she would pray for him everyday as she’s in heaven now.

God, wipe her tears away. Let her come to You. Your forgiveness is more than enough for everyone.

Please God, heal Andrea as well. We are all hurting so badly…

"It’s alright Andrea…cry…let it out…" Mina embraced Andrea from the side, holding her dear aunty, holding herself. Andrea did not cry though. Andrea looked at the photo and traced Vanessa’s face with a manicured finger.

"She is so beautiful…she was going to Boston University. I don’t like it of course…but I…I told her I understood when I don’t. But she was so happy…" Andrea then looked at Mina and hatred flashed across her face.

"He! He killed my baby…and they set him free…set him free…how can they?"

Why are you still here Andrea? Why don’t you shift out of Bayport?

Because you know wherever you go, Vanessa’s not coming along…is that it?

Vanessa’s truly happy here…I can feel it from her letters. She was truly happy with Joe.

"Andrea…forgive…I know you’re hurting…these are angry words. Joe…"

"DON’T SPEAK HIS NAME!" Andrea shook her head furiously. "Whatever it is, don’t speak his name. Love…what do those youngsters knew about love? And she…."

He’s suffering too. He’s blaming himself…everyday. Everyday.

"We remember the good times Andrea. Vanessa’s not really gone. She lives on…in our hearts. When we remember her, there she is…just a memory away. There she is, in Heaven, looking down on us, asking us to let go of our grief. She didn’t want to go this way…the happiness and love that was meant for her in this life, she will not get to experience. And when she see us crying, refusing to heal…she cries too.. tears, precious tears from Heaven.

We don’t know the workings of her mind. But she fought a good fight. In that moment, she just lost herself. God will understand.

She loves us Andrea. She wants us to be brave…to be strong. You want her to rest in peace too right?" Mina’s voice was soft; lulling. She believed in her words. She believed that Vanessa could not bear to leave them too.

And they could not bear to let go of their guilt. But they had to. If they did not, she could not really live on in their hearts.

Andrea nodded and tear again. Mina held her closer.

"I’m so glad you’re here Mina. You are like His blessing to keep me strong…"

Mina was touched. She had always wanted to be God’s little helper.

The sun will rise again tomorrow. Like it always have. Always.

***

Joe had heard his room door creaked open and pretended to sleep. For the first time, he did not dream of Vanessa. He had dreamt of the insidious reality that he had strove so hard to hide it from the light of day. Obviously he was not trying hard enough for in the death spell of silence of the deceiving night, the memories that he had suppressed forcibly and purposely came out to play, gathering weapons, assaulting every single part of him.

But he could not scream then. He woke up in quiet fear that strangled him, choked him rendering his breathless and he could not scream.

I can never scream..

In the fetal position, he tried to calm the queasiness in his stomach by regaining steady breaths. No one could understand the turmoil and hell that he was walking in, no one could understand the lacking of something important. Very important.

Innocence.

Starlight, star bright,

First Star I see tonight.

Wish I may, Wish I might..

Wish for innocence…I wish tonight…

He felt Frank covering him up with the quilt and had no idea how to tell Frank it was not his body that was cold. It was his soul that was freezing. It was a chill that broke the bones. But he did not. He was so afraid.

Afraid of what Frank would say- how Frank would react- if he had not already guessed.

So he kept quiet and faked deep, restful slumber.

However, a couple of hours later, he could no longer stand closing his eyes while a million images- all monstrous; all frightening; all demolishing- plagued his mind and wrecked his soul. He was tired of this, of always having hope one minute and being pulled back into the concentric whirlpool the next. Drowning, occasionally bobbing up for air but the gulp would be a tease. The bobbing up for air would be a cruel tease because he would continue to drown.

Running into the bathroom he shared with Frank, he retched. It felt good to retch. He imagined the vomit was the reeking filth that was fouling him up inside. He imagined it was all the added weight of dreadful secrets that he had to veil from the world- from those he loved.

And maybe…I can one day feel so light…so very light and float up, like a helium balloon…find my home in a star…and never come back.

Never come back.

Childish, romantic dreams…that will never come true. The stars are nothing more than just scattered rocks from asteroids.

He flushed the vomit away and rinsed his mouth. There was no way he could sleep that night which was a rarity. If there was one thing he did especially well these days, it was sleeping to wake up even more tired; even more disgusted with himself. He looked at his reflection in the mirror and saw the raw ridges on his hands, a harsh contrast to the paleness of his cheeks which he was caressing.

Will this ever end?

Can I cry and just let it all go away? The water…will it wash this away?

But he decided he could not cry. Could not acknowledge the nightmare that was reality, that had happened so viciously, tearing at him, shredding everything that was him. He would run. He would run fast and far, so the nightmare would never catch up.

Of course it will, it always does. I can right faster than light and it will be there, always there still in me.

I’m carrying it with me.

I’m my own worst nightmare.

***

Frank was amazed that he could drive himself back, even more amazed that he managed to avoid hitting their mailbox at the very last minute. It was like his mind was churning out step-by-step instructions for him to follow, keeping him occupied by ,instantaneously, writing out a driver’s handbook to guide him.

Turn left here. Check blind spot. Turn right. Stop. Don’t hit mailbox. Reverse. Go into driveway. Stop in between Dad’s Camry and Joe’s van. Try to squeeze in without scratching the sides.

Don’t think of Callie. Don’t think of Callie.

He entered the house to find the lights all on but dimmed and Joe, sitting on the couch, watching the muted television showing some black and white re-runs. The moment his presence was felt, Joe looked up gratefully, fearfully.

"Frank…"

Not now. Can’t have time for Joe now. Go up to room. Switch off lights. Sleep. Don’t need another darkness over me.

"Not now Joe. Goodnight." He replied curtly, too curtly and felt immense guilt immediately. But what was spoken was spoken. Maybe his own sub-conscience had an ugly head that was only rearing.

No. I don’t blame him. I just can’t deal with him now. Can’t. I’m Not Superman.

But I am trying to be. Can’t see…I’m my own kryptonite.

He walked away and marched up the stairs, missing his brother’s frightened expression, not knowing that Joe was going to confess to him. Entered his room, ripped off his clothes and changed into his usual t-shirt and gym shorts for bed. Pulling his covers over him, he tried to sleep but could not. His heart was still breaking. He had no realized how terrible it would feel to be out of love.

Especially when I’m still in love.

Until that night. The longest night of his entire life.