Warning: Intense Angst and Madness. Not good for grievers of any kind…especially suicide IMHO.

PRESENT- LETTERS

Joe had been pleased when he had shocked Frank with the mess in his room a couple of days ago. Now that it was actually a girl who was surveying the dumpster, he was slightly embarrassed.

Actually Omnipotent being, I am very embarrassed thank You. You just had to send a girl to visit my room right? After all the punishments You have already heaped on me.

But Mina did not show her displeasure. Unlike Frank who had reproached Joe when he saw the cluttered rat’s nest, she simply asked which was his bed. He pointed it out to her and after she shifted the covers aside, she sat on it.

Joe looked at the puny, strange girl. His initial irritation triggered by her presence had all but ebbed away since the incident in the cafeteria. Even though he would not thank her profusely, he was grateful that a stranger, and someone who should hate him, would defend him that way.

For a moment, I felt free.

He wondered how he could answer her question. That question. After a year, Guilt was still going strong and growing, its stomach bloated from having feasted on him.. It was like a pack of jackals had found his broken body in the desert and ripped off his flesh while he was still alive- hurting, hungry and thirsty.

Thirsty for something I cannot obtain. My throat is parched and my soul is dried up. Where’s the cup of life that was promised?

Mina searched inside her sling bag and took out a bunch of strong, bold, colored envelopes. Joe was reminded of Vanessa forcefully again. Vanessa always loved strong colors. Most people would match such dramatic shades such that they end up with a gaudy canvas. Not his Vanessa. His Vanessa was the best painter in the world. Her talents came alive when she fiddled around with animations on the computer, splashing colors onto the screen. Her skills in creating lively computer graphics put even Phil Cohen to shame.

She did one of me before. I was surfing with red eyes. It was hilarious. So very funny.

And we had a secret one. We made ourselves into cartoons and walked around the screen holding hands. It was too simple for her to do but she was teaching me. I look good inside.

She was a goddess.

We were supposed to do a full length animation. But she never got to realize that dream.

He sucked in a deep breath and sat next to Mina, though not too close. Touch still frightened him, though he would never show it outwardly if he could help it- most of the time, he could not. Mina flipped through the stack until she found the one she had marked. Joe was about to die of waiting and anticipating. Mina must have thought she was opening the Grammy’s Winner’s Envelope.

Only this is more important. So much more important.

"You want to me read it for you?" Mina’s voice went a few notches down. It was then Joe knew that she was grieving for Vanessa as well. She was not crying, she had put up that defense that Joe had seen in himself, only his was more intensified.

Joe nodded. Mina unfolded the letter. Familiar, beautiful and flowery handwriting stared Joe in the face. Handwriting that wrote many notes to him during classes in high school to keep him occupied when he was dozing off.

Notes I still keep. I know where they are. In that locked drawer of my dresser. I read them everyday.

"Dearest Mina Nicole Lee.

Why have you been procrastinating? We should use the email instead! I told you snail mail is too…slow. Period. J I can’t wait to go to Brisbane before I enter college. I miss you cousin! So much!

Oh…and pss…I think he’s going to propose. He’s acting all weird and Callie saw him entering a jewelry shop. Frank kind of hinted to her as well. I made Callie pressure Frank to drop a little clue. Frank freaked out when Callie asked him about nothing but this question for days…and…oh…I can’t wait. I should let the surprise overwhelm me but…

However, his new case takes him away all the time. I miss him so badly. It’s my birthday next week. I wonder if he remembers?"

Propose? She knew? She knew....

Mina stopped. Joe was eager to hear more, to see his Vanessa’s words in her handwriting, to re-live something of her, trying to desperately feel her presence. However, when he caught glimpses of the next few paragraphs and realized it was about Mina and some failed relationship, he averted his eyes.

"It’s ok. I don’t mind. It’s in the past. Everything’s in the past. I actually came to ask you one question."

You want to ask me did I do it.

"You seek closure too right?" Joe replied her and nodded in understanding. "I can give you that closure. I can tell you what happened that night. The fact was…" He stopped. He could not continue. He closed his eyes and saw her, so real and alive. But she was only in his mind. He could conjure up her image a million times and she would still only be his imagination.

"Yes. Vanessa’s like my sister. I really want to know."

She and Vanessa were close. Vanessa did tell me about Mina before…now…I remember.

"Joe…we’re going to Brisbane before going to College. There’s someone I want you to meet. Someone who’s a huge part of my life."

"Brisbane? You know how much that’s going to cost Ness? I’ll have to wash more cars, watch over more brats…put in longer hours in the kiosk…"

"Joe…please…you’ll love her!"

"Hmm…that’s a thought…a her…"

"Joe!!!"

Mina then left the bed and stood up against the wall, facing Joe squarely.

"And I’m not afraid. I’ve got a gun with me. You won’t reach me in time to stop me from drawing it out and shooting you. So think twice if you want to hurt me."

***

Mina was playing a bluff. She really had a gun but it was unloaded. The thought of the possibility of shooting somebody disturbed her and she hated guns. However, she still took it along to protect herself just in case something was going to happen. She thought the presence of a gun would perhaps, with her non-existence thespian’s skills, frightened Joe, who may hurt her, into thinking twice.

She had it all thought out. Mina had written a note in her room informing Andrea that she was going to confront Joe. If she got hurt or killed, people would know Joe did it. And the only reason she would get hurt is if Joe was trying to stop her from investigating Vanessa’s death in her own way and wished to silence her.

And Vanessa’s real killer would be known to everybody. If it is not suicide…it must be Joe.

He eyed her sadly to the point of complete despondency, marred by a conflicting perverse hope.

What he said next shocked her. "If I tell you I’ve killed her, will you shoot me? Please?"

Mina lost her composure for a minute. He made no effort to get up or exploit that split second that she was stunned. The gun was forgotten in her jacket’s inner pocket.

No…he could be doing this to throw me off the track...make me think he didn’t do it…but…

I saw it on that night. There’s too much love.

Suicidal…is he suicidal now? Not another…please God…start to heal him…please…

"Of course you won’t…you can’t. No one can…I only want to be with her. I should have been there with her already. But I made the stupid, stupid mistake of asking Frank to get me out. Shouldn’t have let them come see me or anything…"

Speak to me God. What should I do?

"And he had to…had to…no…it’s all my fault. I’ve killed her…" He was speaking to himself then, looking down at his feet. Each soft raspy word that came out seemed to be like blood squeezed from his wounds; drawn from his heart.

Killed her? Confession? He’s making me confused…he’s so confused…

"I left your cousin. I should have stayed behind. I left her on her own. And now I need to be with her, to let her know…but you won’t shoot me. And I can’t bring myself to do it either. How could she? It’s like …like I pulled the trigger for her with everything I said…All I want to say now is that…"

Suicide grievers guilt. I get plenty of those too. I wish I had called her…I wish I was not so pre-occupied with my deadbeat boyfriend…I wish I wish…

A million of ‘I wish’. It’s worse, Joe…because of the clues she left behind in her last letter…and I missed it…thinking of my own love life all the time, I missed it.

Maybe I could have helped. Now…it will always remain a maybe.

I believe you. The clues she left behind. I believe you Joseph Hardy. And I know how you feel. I know. It’s not your fault.

Your grief is too real, your love is too breaking.

That’s why I believe you.

"I’m so sorry…I should have stayed. I should have held back those words and listened…listened to the something sweet that she wanted to say to me. Listen."

Mina felt a tear roll down her cheeks as she heard the heartfelt confession that so mirrored her own, only with much greater intensity.

"And I had this crazy idea that she was killed. Made myself feel better for a while. But she’s not right? I know. The gun in her hand. I know now and…" He gazed up at her and almost immediately his face screwed up in a sorrow so extreme, so overwhelming that he could not even cry. Covering his face with his marked hands; with shoulders heaving up; he cried on the inside, letting his tears drown him from within.

"The hope’s gone. I can’t live like this. I can’t live without her, can’t live with the knowledge that she didn’t hear me say ‘ I love you, Vanessa’," he whispered heartbreakingly.

***

 

He read the last letter that Vanessa wrote to Mina with trembling hands. Mina had somehow chose to trust him and sat down next to him again. She handed him the letter which was so much like Vanessa’s final farewell and he read it in silence.

‘Dearest Mina,

I did something really bad. I don’t even know how to tell you…Joe missed my birthday…he called but they were off in pursuit of some leads. I waited for him for two hours. Biff…I mean Brian…he saw me in that lonely new café. We talked, he lent me his shoulders to cry on. We drank too much red wine…he charged it to his dad’s credit card…or so he told me later.

I ended up sleeping with him. It was terrible of me…it was so terrible…

We dated a few times after that…I know he really likes me. I needed that companionship. I think Joe had also forgotten that the anniversary of my dad’s death is coming up. Mom’s driving me nuts around the house, questioning my choice to go to Boston. But she’s still sweet…I finally told her that I’m going with Joe, that it’s final and she understood.

And Joe called me, he sounded so innocent, like a little kid. At the same time, he was worried I would be mad at him…and I’m so worried he would be mad at me…it’s weird right? He wouldn’t put down the phone until I told him I have forgiven him, when I want him to forgive me.

Anyway, they caught the guy. I sent you the article. You can read it. I’m really proud of him.

Do you think if I told him he’d never forgive me? But I rather he never forgive me than to lie to him. I know he will be proposing sometime during the party. I can’t say yes or let him make that decision without letting him know. I love him so much Mina…how did I became so stupid?

Sometimes I wish I hadn’t shown them that photo. That way, they would have no leads and would have to leave the case to the FBI.

Yet, I can’t do that. Never. That photo helped them nab Jeremy Bret. That photo saved Liz’s life.

I’ll have to live with that right, Mina? His passion? I have to accept it.

Boston seems so bleak now. I love him. I do. And I’m proud of what he does. I’m sorry I can’t give you advice on your love life. Mine’s in a huge mess. But no matter what happens, Mina, I won’t give up. If he gets angry the first time round, I won’t give up. I’ll keep trying to reach him…I’ll keep hoping for the day he comes back to me.

It’s funny how I tell myself all these things Mina, make me sound strong. At the end of the day, I feel so weak. Without him, I don’t know how to go on…

Yours, Nessa.’

Vanessa…no…

Vanessa, you could have told me…you could have told me outright that I was neglecting you.

"Without me, she didn’t know how to go on…" Joe repeated Vanessa’s words. "So I did…"

"No, you didn’t. Suicide is an evil, Joe, we don’t choose it for the people we love. You don’t know it’s going to happen. You really don’t. It leaves all of us who are close to her feeling like we have all helped pull the trigger. This guilt is so difficult to bear, especially for you.

But you don’t have to keep this misleading guilt inside of you. You can let go of it. Know that you did not choose it for her. Somehow, she made the choice. But don’t blame her too. When she made the decision, she really was not herself either. There was no way she would want that to happen. In that moment…she probably just lost herself for a while…"

He saw Mina shudder and knew she was going to break down. She was already tearing a little. That was good, she could cry but he could not, not even when he was confessing to her the innermost secrets that he had been keeping for so long.

He tried to give her comfort when he had none to give.

Joe was only going to stroke her hair but Mina turned towards him with large sad eyes- eyes streaming drops of liquid stars. And her head fell on his shoulders and she wept.

Should I hold her? Maybe I should…she’s hurting.

He wanted to wrap his arms around her, but he saw his hands. He thought he had gotten use to the sight, but obviously he had not. He stared at them blankly, looking at the keloid scars that had formed and would never go away. Not as long as the scars in his soul remained.

Joe put his arms down. But he let her cry- he let her cry for the both of them.

***

 

"Thanks. I thought I would be the one…you know…lending you my shoulders to cry on." Mina took the tissue from Joe and dabbed at her mascara-streaked face. Joe shrugged.

"It’s alright. I’m done crying."

I am…really. I can’t cry. Guys don’t cry. Big boys don’t cry.

"My dad died shortly after Vanessa’s passing. She was supposed to come to Brisbane. Now, I’m staying in Bayport. How things changed. When my dad passed away, I started questioning God. I asked Him, why? Why me? In such a short time, I felt like I’ve lost everything.

I used to read the Bible everyday. In fact, I finished the new Testament. It gave me words of comfort. Yet, now, I can’t bear to touch it. I know the moment I do, I will have let go of my grief and start to heal. But if I let go of my grief, have I let go of them? But I know I need to heal. If I don’t start soon, then when do I start?"

Never? How about never? No…you should try. You deserve to be happy.

"Grieving is part of the healing process." Joe muttered, remembering what he had read on the Internet about suicide and those left behind. "We should grieve properly."

"Are you?" Mina laid a soft hand on his. He snatched away his own immediately.

"I’m trying."

Mina smiled and look into his eyes. Joe felt trapped. Mina made him feel trapped.

Like she knows everything. I don’t need a female Frank in my life!!!!!

"No…you’re not. And now I think that’s why I’m here. This must be a calling."

Crazy, crazy girl.